"Doubting God for the first time" ~Chance

"thanks a lot for your time . I have never questioned myself or my beliefs before . I am having a dry moment if you will and having a hard time seeking god. I used to wake up and thank God for everything and now i wake wondering if he is real.. I am just being honest to myself.I know without a shodow of a doubt that this world didnt hapen by chance. I hope that this season doesn't last long. May god bless you and your co laborers in Christ." ~Chance

"Thank you for your blessings, Chance! Thanks also for your honesty.

I've gone through many dry spells myself, some of which happened while I was leading ministry. They still come back from time to time too, so you're not alone. I get afraid that it's my fault, because I know that unrepentant sin can cause that barrier. I get even more afraid that all my beliefs really were just wishful thinking.

The fact of the matter is, feeling God's presence and feeling Him to be true are not the basis of our faith. Feelings come and go, just as the feeling of love for my wife is not a firm basis for my marriage. Our feelings are swayed by so many variables that we can't possibly even count them all (relationships, chemical balance, barametric pressure, etc). When we place our trust in God, we are saying that we will be faithful and follow Him, even when we don't understand all the facts and even when we don't feel a desire or even a confidence in Him.

There are a couple of books that addressed this issue, which I read while I was going through this. The first, written by Oswald Chambers, is My Utmost for His Highest. It's a daily devotional that's not always easy to swallow. At one point, he talks about when God is silent in our lives. He says that it may be a sin issue (that we can't hear Him) but that it may be God testing us, a crucial step in our development. The second, by CS Lewis, is The Screwtape Letters. It's a compilation of fictional letters from one demon to another on how to torment a Christian. At one point, Screwtape explains that sometimes God ("the Enemy") hides His presence from us so that we can learn to walk on our own, like taking his hand off our bicycle seat. He explains that, while Satan wants to consume us and absorb us into himself, God desires to make us into little versions of Himself (more specifically His Son). In order to do that, He needs to put us through trials, and some of them involve facing situations without Him (like in the garden when God left Adam and Eve alone).

I've got two bits of advice, and you can take them or leave them but they come from the heart:

1.) Keep on doing what you know is right. Your relationship with God up to this point has probably been strong enough that you can tell what He wants from you even when He's not speaking (like knowing what your friend or relative would say if they were in the room with you). This period will pass once God has taught you what He needs you to learn (it may be someone else He's doing this for though, like He put me through it so I could talk to you).

2.) I once went through an "Experiencing God" Bible study, and found it quite helpful. One of the things it said was, "if you want to have God work in your life, find where He's at work already and join Him." This is one of the reasons I decided to become a missionary. I realized that all of life is not about me, but about God. He's the main character of the story of life, and He created us to be a part of His mission in the world. I believe our lives and the hours we spend within them are exactly as significant as the time we spend with God and a part of His mission. It makes sense that we would feel lost and unfulfilled if we are not doing what we were created to do, because we're malfunctioning creations. Try getting more involved in service. Seeing God change the lives of people around you is one of the clearest ways to see Him (just as you see the wind when you look at the leaves being changed by it)."

"Thanks again Jeff! I really needed your encouragement. I also would like to thank you for being obedient to the call on your life and your ministry. I was actually ashamed to admit it but I am in the ministry myself.
I feel and have felt a call on my life to get up and do something like go to another country and spend a couple of months. The problem is that I can’t see spending thousands of raised dollars to send me to dts when I can send that money to someone who is a missionary in lets say Africa and let them dig a well or feed some kids for a year or two.
Have any ideas I graduate in dec and really want to do something before I start a job. I know that sounds vain that I am only considering missionary work for a year or so but I do not want to be a burden for others who are working at home. I am not at all implying that I think that all missionaries are burdens but I am just confused about the whole support thing." ~Chance

"No problem, Chance!

You have no idea how uplifting it is to feel like I've made a difference for someone. Especially right now, as my wife and I are raising OUR initial support and are unable to get out on the campuses to reach students until that goal is reached.

There is no shame in doubt, not even for someone in ministry. When we step out to serve God more fully, we present ourselves as bigger targets to the enemy, who would prefer that we stay comfortable and ineffective.

International Missions: I too felt called to the mission field, and I thought it was overseas at first as well, but God kept closing doors and not saying why. I agree with you about the large % of support that goes to getting the missionary's body to the mission field. That is one of the reasons Campus Crusade is so appealing to me. Not only am I serving where I live, but their stance on international missions is very practical and good stewardship. We have campus ministry in 192 countries (74 more than McDonald's :), but most of the time the ministry is not run by Americans in say Africa, but by locals ministering to their peers. Students and staff are encouraged to take occassional stints to other countries, to provide added support and to broaden our own perspectives, but most of our mission trips are within the US (Katrina relief, beach outreach, etc). That was one way CCC blew me away, since my wife and I had no experience with them until about a year ago.

Biblical Support Raising: My own understanding about support raising has been a journey. I have felt for years that God wanted me to serve Him full time, but I always thought raising support would be a "necessary evil" part of that process. Campus Crusade spent a week of our new staff training talking about the support raising and at least a whole day of that was the Biblical support for what we're doing. God created the missionary support situation in the OT with the Levites. He said that they would minister to the people as priests, and they would have no land or food of their own. Instead, everyone would give a tithe to God, and out of that, God would take care of them. The prophets were likewise supported by the people, travelling from town to town and living with host families. It was a deep honor for the hosts to have the prophet choose them. The NT has a similar situation with Rabbis, that's why Zacchias was so blown away when Jesus chose him. When Jesus sent His disciples out two-by-two, He even told them how to pick the host, not to feel ashamed at their generosity and even how angry it makes God when people do not support them (Luke 10:7, Matthew 10:13-15). Finally, Paul and his cojourners were missionaries. Yes, some people point out that he supported himself through tent making, but that was only part of the time. Paul was also supported by churches. The book of Phillipians is basically a "thank you" support letter. In Phillipians 2:25-30, Paul alludes to the financial gift they sent through Epaphroditus, and in 4:10-19 he makes his intentions on that matter much more clear.

Mission Advice: This may sound biased, but have you thought about Campus Crusade? I don't think it's a coincidence that God brought you to me, while I am discovering this organization more fully myself. They have ministry needs all over the place (including right where you are) where you can see God at work in the lives of people who are discovering Him. You can take an internship with them for one or two years either right where you are, through an international stint, or at the Headquarters in Orlando. The first makes sense in terms of not raising support to cart you to some far-off place, the second is for your seeking God's will, and so is the third (because it gives you a taste of all the ministries going on and a good plug-in to wherever you might want to go next). That being said, take my advice with a grain of salt. There are plenty of wonderful organizations out there. It really needs to be between you and God that the decision is made. Pray about it (even if you feel like He isn't listening), then look at your situation, the talents and passions he's given you, the resources (including social connections) and what really bothers you (what you feel a calling to change in this world). Then, as long as God is your priority and the King of your decision, take a step and He'll stop you or redirect you (even with a whale) if He needs to." ~Jeff